.... random rants and rambles. no agenda. yet.

Goodness me, the wastage. What's wrong with Freecycling a good old telly?!

(*As spotted at a recycling centre in Devon. Yes, I do go and take photos at random recycling centres when I'm on holiday; I'm funny like that.)

Posted by j at 4:14 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)
Posted in Photos | Random

It has been 20 days since I last blogged. Forgive me, O Whoever, for my sins.

Did you miss me? I thought not.

I don't know where all the time went, but now it's gone, so all I can do is blog about it. So, yeah, we went to Devon, attended a lovely wedding, then had a nice week walking on beaches and stuff, then came back home again, relatively unscathed, except for the fact that the journey there took 8 hours and 10 hours on the way back (we took a detour to see some friends and then C's parents). If you have ever shared the back seat of a car with a screaming baby, you will know that it is really not fun, and when you arrive at wherever you were headed, you will be so grateful that you could eat your own feet.

So, go to hell, Google Maps. You're doing it all wrong.

In fact, we nearly didn't make it home from Devon at all, because C helpfully hung our car key up with her parents', and her mum accidently took it to a local shop with her that morning and put them all down on the counter while she paid. Then, when she was leaving, the shop assistant held up our car key and asked if it was hers, so of course, she said no.

MUCH frantic searching later, we established this, so then I had to go along to the shop to identify our key, amidst funny looks from whoever was in the shop at the time. Sometimes, life is complicated.

In other news, it certainly seems to be Killer Cat Season at the moment. I AM NOT HAPPY ABOUT THIS. We've worked out that Harrythecat mercilessly likes to kill baby voles and other furry things that are too young and bewildered to know how to escape from his murdering clutches. NOT HAPPY. Also, apparently, Brian likes to eat the remains. DEFINITELY NO HAPPINESS.

All of this is made worse by the fact that the long grass in the field behind our house has been chopped down and made into haystacks, because this means that Harrythecat can find his poor defenceless prey more easily - I know this because I SAW HIM DO IT the other day - and it also makes my hayfever much worse... I had to get up really early this morning because I couldn't stand not being able to breathe and wanting to scratch my eyes out any longer. Sigh.

Mind you, now that the grass is down, C and I saw a fox in the early hours of this morning, far, far away up the hill. From the way that he was scurrying around, you could tell that he was thinking, "Where the f*** have they put my grass?!"

Precisely.

Posted by j at 11:58 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)
Posted in Rambles | Random | The Cats (oh yes!) | Weird Things That Happen

I haven't updated this blog for a while because the dog ate my homework and then the computer blew up and when I gathered up the pieces I realised there was a bit missing so it didn't work any more. Or something.

Seriously, aside from the usual flurry that is my life, I've been bogged down by hayfever, which has left me feeling as if someone blew pepper in my eyes, sucked out my brain and replaced it with a ball of cotton wool, then filled my nostrils with sandpaper. God. Today, I gave up on the cheap medication that I was taking and went to see our nice local herbalist, who gave me some special tiny tablets that you have to put on your tongue and they dissolve. Oddly, they don't taste of anything, which is probably a good thing. I'm just glad that I feel better already, although there are 450 - yes, 450! - in the box, which I calculate will last me for 36 days because I have to take 12 a day. Weird.

In other news, I have been Hero Mummy twice this week; today by dashing around in the rain (yes, I know, what's that about?!) with the empty pram, cramming it into the car and driving round the corner to pick C and The Boy up, so they didn't get wet, BUT MY FOOT GOT SOAKED. The other heroics were also weather-related, when one night I drove to the 24-hour Tesco to buy a fan because it was too hot for The Boy to sleep. Of course, the 24-hour Tesco HAD NO FANS, but the late-closing Sainsbury's had a vast array of them instead. Phew.

Having cooled down, The Boy is doing great, although he seems to be teething, or at least warming up to it (a health visitor told us "it might just be his teeth moving around in his gums" which makes me feel pale inside), which means he screams more than usual. He doesn't usually scream or cry much, so it's a bit unnerving having a calm baby who suddenly goes purple and wails as if something bad just happened - but we can't see the bad thing, which makes it a bit confusing sometimes.

He did enjoy being pushed on a 2-hour hill walk last Sunday, though. Yes, I know that was a bit insane, but it seemed too hot for slings, so we prammed it up and down the country lanes of Calderdale.

Oh, and Big Brother 10 has started. Maybe this year, I'll like it for more than two days. We'll see!

Posted by j at 8:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)
Posted in Rambles | Random | The Boy

As my lovely hairdresser, Diane, would say (complete with dramatically rolled eyes, backwards tilted head and a grand hand gesture), I've had a week.

Nothing overly dramatic or grand has happened, though; it's just been one of those weeks where there never seemed to be any pockets of nothingness - there was always something to do that had to be done immediately - as if the "play" button got stuck and life became on loop. I am rambling.

Rather frighteningly, since joining Facebook last week, I've somehow acquired 174 "new" friends so far. Even more frighteningly, this required virtually no effort other than me repeatedly clicking my mouse button about 200 times, without thinking about it too much. I also managed to join someone's circle of thingies, then accidently created my own and added people to it, then apologised for the inconvenience because I had no idea what I was doing. Since then, I've just ignored any offers of games, circles or whatever. I'm too old.

In true Diane-week fashion, this week also involved a long, long journey back from Berwick that took 6 and a half hours rather than 3 hours and 15 minutes as the sat nav said it should, because we had to pull into a layby just outside Newcastle to feed The Boy (C) and do some emergency work while connected to a good 3G mobile signal (me), then pull over again because The Boy needed changing twice, and Harrythedog needed to be walked round a car park in the pissing down rain, then we had to take a detour because unfortunately part of the M62 was shut. And then we got a bit lost.

The best part of all of this is that Google Maps tells me that our trip to Devon next month should take "about 5 hours 26 mins". When I told C this, she laughed wildly, as if I'd just suggested we don rucksacks and walk down the motorway with the pram. Google Maps really should take people's variables into account. I can just imagine it now:

Estimated required number of toilet stops per hour? Er, one.
Number of animals in transit? One.
Number of adults? Two.
Number of children? One.
Age of child? Three months.
Is your child prone to random screaming when in transit? Yes.
Does your child have colic? No.
Think yourself lucky then. Estimated journey duration: about 14 hours and 23 mins.

I think that's going to be a journey.

Posted by j at 8:06 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Posted in Rambles | Random

For various complicated reasons - none of which are worth blogging about - today, I held my breath and joined The Evil That Is F@cebook.

Yes, I know.

And no, I didn't want to do it.

So why did I do it? Because I had to.

So anyway, I did it and I'm kind of sick of it already. C thinks I secretly like it, but really, I feel like someone removed my brain and replaced it with a giant interactive catalogue featuring everyone in the entire world (except C, and about seven other people). Scarily, when I joined, FB "suggested" about 14 million people who I might like to be friends with... and I knew many of them. So they obviously employ clever geeks who have weaved some kind of web between everyone and their friends, and their friends' friends, and their friends' friends' friends and whoever else is a fan of whatever they are a fan of. I'm having enough trouble trying to locate my "Wall".

It's a bit like trying to stay on a treadmill that's moving too fast. It is exhausting.

There seems to be two main types of people on FB; those who tell me "Oh, I only put basic information about myself there. I use it so that I can see everyone's photos, that's all. It's crap!" and those who treat it like a second job.

Me? I'm the type who switches off her computer and flees downstairs to make the tea, talking earnestly with The Boy, who is thankfully far too young for poking people, sharing weird quizzes and having 1,289 friends.

Thank God.

Posted by j at 6:26 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)
Posted in Random | Rants | The Boy

This is what happens when I surrender my Tesco.com shopping powers to my wife, in favour of drying my hair, which takes a long time.

C (Coming into bedroom from office): Do you want Diet Coke?

J: Er, yes. Thanks.

C (Leaving office): OK.

= Two minutes later =

C (Returning): I need cat litter advice.

J: What?

C: Is there a reason why we buy this litter and not the cheaper one?

J: There is a reason. I can't remember it, but there is one.

C: Oh.

J: Why not buy both?

C (Retreating): OK.

= One minute later =

C (Popping head around door): Do we need tray liners?

J: No.

= One minute later =

C (Furious): The internet connection is down!

J: Don't worry, it'll all be saved in your shopping basket.

= Two minutes later =

C: Can we buy Felix cat food? It's on special offer.

J: What's special about it?

C: Nothing.

J: Buy it then.

= 30 seconds later =

C: J...?

J: What?!

C (Smiling sweetly): ... Am I annoying you yet?

J: Yes.

Posted by j at 12:11 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)
Posted in Random

yesterday, me and c were walking down the hill with harrythedog and the boy, when we came across a pigeon sitting in the middle of the road.

noting that although it was a quiet single-track road, pigeons do not usually sit in such places, i asked c (who knows far more about biology and stuff than i do) if she thought the pigeon was injured.

"yes, i think so," she said.

"do you think it's going to die?" i asked her.

she nodded solemnly. "maybe."

as we walked closer and closer to the pigeon, i felt really sad and sorry for it, but couldn't think of anything i could do to help it, mainly because i'm a bit of a wimp. knowing this, c offered to pick it up and move it to the side of the road so that it wouldn't get run over. i agreed that this was a good idea, so she put the brake on the pram and went to pick up the poor, helpless pigeon.

then, the poor helpless pigeon flew off!

is it bad that i laughed all the way down the hill?

Posted by j at 1:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)
Posted in Random

ok so i'm under pressure here. i have the boy on my left arm - because he refuses to be elsewhere - while i type and eat toast with my right hand. the dog is salivating by my right elbow, wondering when i am going to give up on the toast and give it all to him.

so you will have to forgive the lower case.

who cares about capitalisation, anyway? lower case is the new black.

and yes, i could be wearing the boy in a sling. in fact, i WAS wearing the boy in a sling, but he decided that he wanted to hijack my arm instead. this means, of course, that the sling is still slung around my body... the swathes of black fabric make me look a bit like a cross between a headmistress and a pirate. sometimes, on days like this, i feel like i'm in fancy dress, swooshing around the house in delight with loose, babyless material trailing after me.

and then the tesco delivery man gives me a funny look and i whip it all off.

but anyway, this isn't a mummyblog. it isn't an anythingblog, actually. so i will move on and discuss the nation's favourite topic. the weather. and BBQs.

for example, our new gas BBQ will be delivered soon, i hope, but probably not in time for this weekend, which is forecast either to be rainy or sunny, depending on where you obsess over your weather information. hmm.

[the fact that we're getting a new gas BBQ stems from how a) we recently realised that our next door neighbour's newish boyfriend is BBQ Man #2, and life would be unbearable if we were unable to copy him; and b) C is our very own BBQ Man, but breastfeeding and lighting BBQs do not go together, so unless we get a gas one, we will never have a BBQ this year. that's why.]

oh, and does anyone agree that those nasty men in the apprentice are only there to make people like me, C, Ce, E and Jacks get mad, throw our shoes at the tv, and keep watching every single week, just in case they get fired?

Posted by j at 10:17 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)
Posted in Rambles | Random | The Boy | The Dog

Somehow, The Boy is a month old today. This seems to be a good time to reflect on some of the many lessons which aren't highlighted in any of the baby manuals that we own. Mind you, they may be; reading frantically at 3am isn't one of the best times to absorb info. Ironically.

* Supermarkets categorise nappies etc as "baby accessories", which both scares me and makes me think of how 19 year olds "pimp their mobiles" (or whatever you're meant to say to refer to fucking about with/customisng small, fast cars - I'm not too familiar with 19 year olds' lingo these days).

* It is possible to spend an entire day with baby vomit all down your front, and not realise until you're getting ready for bed, or someone gives you a funny look, or possibly both at the same time.

* It isn't a good idea to save your baby's 0-3 months sized clothing until they have outgrown their newborn sized stuff, because it will either all fit or be too small already (rather than huge, as you had thought), and just add to the wardrobe confusion that apparently never ends.

* Random people in the street will suddenly stare at you, point in your direction and say things like "AHHHHHHH!" or "Look, Irene, there's a baby hiding in there!" and it will take you a few moments to realise that's because you have your baby in a sling.

* People who you've just met will decide it's OK to a) tell you why they think your baby is crying, b) what you should do to stop them doing so, and c) insist they are right.

* Babies' poo travels faster than the speed of light when they haven't got nappies on. Sod's law.

Posted by j at 5:54 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)
Posted in The Boy